Hey lady
You lady, cursing at your life
You're a discontented mother
and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about
the things you'll never do
But, I wish someone had've talked to me
like I wanna talk to you...
Ooh, I've been to Georgia and California
and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man
and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces
because I had to be free
I've been to paradise
but I've never been to me
Please lady, please lady,
don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you
you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me
still living in your eyes
won't you share a part of a weary heart
that has lived million lies...
Oh, I've been to Nice and the Isle of Greece
while I've sipped champagne on a yacht
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo
and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings
and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see...
I've been to paradise
but I've never been to me
I've been to paradise
More!
- Lace! - Put it away, sweetie...
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Oh, that was fucking charming, you gutless pack of dickheads!
- Oh fuck off you talentless dog! - What was that?
- Show us your pink bits. - No, I don't think I will.
- Now do you know why this microphone has such a long cord? - Why?
So it's easily retrieved after I've shoved it up your arse!
Christ almighty!
What the fuck's going on out there tonight?
Are you hurt?
Alright, which one of you bitches shat on my dress?
Oh Tick darling, it's for you.
- Hello? - Ding dong!
Avon calling. Howdy sunshine.
Long time no hear.
- Where? - Emergency Ward A
- Mr Belrose? - Yes?
So, how about it?
Yeah?
Bernadette, it's Tick.
Sorry to call you so late, but I...
Hey, are you okay?
No, I'm not.
What's the matter?
Trumpet just died.
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death;
I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me;
Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
It's not fair.
I've spent half my life and all my savings
trying to snag a sympathetic husband
and the selfish little shit goes and dies on me.
Twenty-five years old
and he goes and slips over in a bathroom.
He didn't slip.
He was peroxiding his hair at home again and he asphyxiated on the fumes.
I've got to get some space.
I've been asked to do a show out of town...
- That's nice. - Why don't you come with me?
I'll need some help, and I think we could both use the break.
You're not wrong. Where is it?
Alice Springs.
You've got to be fucking joking.
Wo-man is a
unique range of speciality facial products
designed for the more... heavy-duty woman in us all.
Now, this week... excuse me.
Hello.
How long is the run?
Four weeks.
Equity Minimum, two shows a night, accommodation included.
I can't just sit around here crying all the time.
Jesus. My mascara keeps running; I look like a raccoon.
Good girl. That's the spirit.
Here's hoping the desert's big enough for the two of us...
Umm... three of us.
A desert holiday, Let's pack the drag away.
You take the lunch and tea, I'll take the ecstasy.
Fuck off, you silly queer! I'm getting outta here.
A desert holiday Hip hip hip hip hooray!
Why?
Why not? Look, he's turned into a bloody good little performer.
That's right. A bloody good little performer.
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
I thought we were getting away from all this shit!
Two's company, three's a party, Bernadette my sweet.
We're unplugging our curling wands and going bush, Felicia.
Why would you possibly want to leave all this glamour for a hike into the middle of nowhere?
- Do you really want to know? - Desperately.
Well, ever since I was a lad, I've had this dream.
A dream that I now, finally,
have a chance to fulfil.
- And that is? - To travel to the centre of Australia,
climb King's Canyon, as a queen,
in a full length Gautier sequin, heels and a tiara.
Great, that's just what this country needs.
A cock in a frock on a rock.
Oh, get back in your kennels, both of you!
Now, the first thing we have to work out
is how the hell we're going to get there.
Ta daaaa!
What do you think?
When do we have to return it to the school?
- We don't. We own it. - What?
I met some nice Swedish tourists
called Lars, Lars and Lars,
and coaxed it out of them for ten thousand bucks.
- But we can't afford it. - Well, that's right.
Mummy, maybe a trip to the outback
would help me get over this little phase I'm going through.
And you never know, I might meet some lovely country girl.
I hereby Christen this budget Barbie camper...
"Priscilla, Queen of the Desert."
That's got to be the understatement of the century.
Together
We will go our way
Together
We will leave some day
Together
Mum!
Your hand in my hands
Together
We will make the plans
We are here today to see off a very brave woman
who will attempt to cross the continent alone.
On behalf of all our sponsors...
Together
This is what we'll do
Go west
Life is peaceful there
Go west
Lots of open air
Go west
Where the skies are blue
Ladies...
start your engines!
Go west
Sun in wintertime
Go west
We will do just fine
Go west
Where the skies are blue
Go west
this is what we'll do
Together
We will love the beach
Together
We will learn and teach
Together
Change our pace of life
Together
nick nack paddywack, give the dog a bone this ol' man came rolling home
This old man, he played two, he played nick nack with my shoe
- with a nick nack paddywack... - Oooh, please. Oh, Gimme a break.
Four fat trannies working on the wall.
And if one fat tranny should accidentally fall.
Oh, my darling, Clementine.
How long have we been on the road?
Four-and-a-half hours.
Oh, I've got a splitting headache already...
Happy hour!
- 'Mother's Ruin' pour moi! - Long Island tea.
And a Stoli and tonic for me.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha. 'Ol Stupid cow. - Yeah, well listen to this one!
After we did the Abba show, Kevin had one of those
- liposuction penis enlargements. - He didn't?
You know what they do?
They syphon all the fat out of your love handles
and actually inject it into your wing wang.
Er, yucky, ter.
I suppose it gives a whole new meaning to "cracking a fat" though, doesn't it?
Oh, listen to yourselves.
You sound like two fat slags at a pie bake off.
Well, your contribution to the conversation
hasn't exactly made headlines, Bernice.
Gee, poor Kevin's dick.
There can't be much room down there with his brain taking up so much space already. Hee, hee, hee, hee
No. I'll join this conversation on the proviso
that we stop bitching about people,
talking about wigs, dresses, bust sizes,
penises, drugs, night clubs, and bloody Abba.
Doesn't give us much to talk about then, does it?
Hey, can you confirm a rumour for me?
Is it true that her real name's Ralph?
Ssshhh!
How do you like your little boys, girls?
You don't have to answer that if you don't want to.
Oh, My God!
What is this? Outback with Benny Hill?
Just leave mine outside the door at about 8 a.m.
along with orange juice and toast please.
Oh, why certainly Madame! And would you like vegemite or jam with that?
Ah, knock knock. Room service.
Can't you read the sign? Do Not Disturb! Please come back in the morning.
Oh ha ha girls. Open the door.
- Goodnight Bernice. - Goodnight Mitzi.
Open the fuckin' door!
Okay, if you don't open the door I'm going to sing.
Fine, you asked for it.
I don't care if the sun don't shine
I get my lovin' in the evenin' time,
When I'm with my baby
It's no fun when there's sun aroun',
Cause I get goin' when the sun goes down
And I meet my baby
That's when we kiss and kiss and kiss
And then we kiss some more
Don't ask how many times we kiss... - Night John boy.
I'm seriously falling asleep.
No, it's your shift and you're going to stick to it.
Serves you right for staying out all night. Slut.
Well, I'm not going to make it.
- I don't care if the sun don't shine... - Oh, fuck off grandma. - Are you alright?
Me? Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just thinking.
Sorry. SHIT!
What is it?
Perhaps we should have flown.
Bzzz! Wrong, but thanks for playing. Anyone else?
No. Witchety grub. Your turn.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'R'.
- Rectum. - No.
- Ring pirate? - No.
Road?
Alright. That's it! What's the matter with you?
- Nothing darling. - Don't 'darling' me, darling.
Look at you. You've got a face like a cat's arse.
- Come on. Fess up. - Just worried about the show, that's all.
- Like, we haven't done any rehearsals yet and... - We've got two weeks for Christ's sake.
That's plenty of time to rehearse. Now what is your problem?
It's not a problem. I just want this show to be good. That's all. It's got to be good.
How the fuck did you get this job Mitzi, my darling?
I mean, who is this fish who runs this bloody hotel in the middle of nowhere anyway?
- Your mother? - No, my wife.
Ooooh! Don't tell me you've got an ex-boyfriend tucked away out here somewhere.
No. My wife. I'm married.
And when the joint bank account ran dry after a couple of years
I guess I preferred her wedding ring to mine.
So no drama.
We swapped and called it a day.
This is getting too weird.
You and a woman.
I mean, what did she used to do for kicks?
Put a bucket on your head and swing off the handle?
You know there are two things I don't like about you Felicia... Your face.
So how about shutting both of them.
Well at least this explains your abysmal batting average, Mitz.
I often wondered why your dance card was so empty.
I take it you never got a divorce then?
Well girls, what can I say?
Here's to a secret very well kept.
- Shame it's not going to stay that way, isn't it? - Mmmm.
Got any more little surprises you'd like to share with us?
Haven't got any kids stashed away out there as well have you?
Look. I haven't lied about anything.
After six years I get a phone call out of nowhere screaming for help.
And Christ knows I owe her a couple of favours.
I'm sorry that I never told you.
I'm not sorry that you're here.
Don't worry about it, dolls.
I'm as jealous as all hell.
What?
So, was it a big wedding?
Get lots of prezzies, did you?
- I just wish I was old enough to have been there. - Oh ha ha!
I would have bought you a lovely matching set of hers and hers bath mats, or something.
- Oh, Give it a rest! - Not on your life!
Oh, imagine! Mitzi the magnificent and her blushing bride.
Mowing those lawns must have been murder on your heels though.
All right Felicia, that's enough.
Let's put some money in that seething cesspool mouth of yours.
If I win this game, you will never mention my wife,
ever, in my presence again. OK?
- And if I win? - Name your price.
Well now, what would I like more than anything else in the whole, wide world?
Snap, better be quick.
What the fuck am I doing?
Take that bloody frock off, Felicia! Don't make it any worse than it is.
You think I'm going to let you walk away with all the attention? No chance.
Come on girls, let’s go shopping.
Oh, for Christ's sake...
I just adore these hats!
You have got to be kidding.
Welcome to Mario's Palace. Come in. Come in.
What can I do for you? Would you like a room, Madame?
Subtle.
Oh tackorama!
Who the hell does all the painting around here?
Someone with no arms or right foot by the look of things.
Oh, for goodness' sakes, get down off that crucifix.
Someone needs the wood.
What have we here?
What fun! Baby bottles of booze.
Oh! Gather round girls, Let me show you a trick.
You drink the gin...
Fill the bottle up with water and put it back in the fridge.
Va t'em vous. What about the scotch?
That's where the complimentary tea bags come in handy.
- Very clever. - Cheers girls.
And congratulations, Mitzi darling. You did it.
One lap of the Broken Hill main drag in drag!
That'll teach you to take on the Fairmont Boys School snap champion.
Here's to being off that fucking bus.
Chookers!
So, all dolled up and nowhere to go.
Well I sure as shit am not going to sit in here all evening.
I'm in.
Oh, alright.
Here's hoping they have a decent Cocktail Bar.
Hello.
Could I please have a Stoli and tonic,
a bloody Mary
and a lime Daiquiri please?
Well, look what the cat dragged in!
What've we got here, eh?
A couple of show girls, have we?
Where did you ladies come in from?
Uranus?
Could I please have a...?
No! You can't have... you can't have nothing!
We got nothing here for people like you. Nothin'!
Now listen here you mullet.
Why don't you just light your tampon and blow your box apart,
because it's the only bang you're ever going to get sweetheart.
Now what could be more soothing
than coming home after a hard day's work down the mine
to the woman in us all.
Now, don't send any money, okay...
Shit,
all I can see is female impersonators.
This has got to be a first. Nobody has ever out drunk old Shirl before.
Where did you learn to throw 'em back like that?
That's our girl Bernadette.
I just knew that stumbling around the pub circuit with 'Les Girls' for 200 years
must have taught her something.
- You're a bloody marvel, Bernie. - Bernadette please.
- What was that? - My name isn't Bernie.
She said her name isn't Bernie...
It's Ralph.
Come on.
What did you call me?
What did you call me what?
What did you call me back there, in the bar?
Sorry. Ralph.
You fucking idiot!
Oh, the fuck!
Oh, Fuck! Get off me! You fucking...
...a fucking thing. It's only my fucking head.
At least the bump on your head is bigger than your prick.
Why don't you just knick off, you stupid old bitch?
Oh, piss off, you little faggot.
- ...if you're so bloody cool... - If your mouth were as big as your dick
you wouldn't have any problem.
- Good morning. - Morning.
It's funny, you know?
No matter how... tough I think I'm getting...
it still hurts.
Hope it still works.
Don't have much call for it out here.
- Where you blokes from? - Uranus.
Oh, good.
There.
- Left. - I hope you know what you're doing.
If we stick to the sealed road, we'll be at it for at least another two days.
Take the short cut.
One more push, I'm gonna smack his face so hard
he'll have to stick his toothbrush up his arse to clean his teeth.
Just lay off.
I told you not to use the R word and what did you go and do?
I was only having a bit of fun.
Fun? What else do you do for amusement? Slam your fingers in car doors?
- What's the point? - I like seeing people get hot headed, okay?
- It gives me a kick. - Is it true when you were born...
the doctor turned around and slapped your mother?
What sort of bent childhood did you have, Adam Whitely?
Adam, Adam...
Come in here, boy!
Come and sit over here.
Would you like to have some fun with uncle Barry?
We're gonna play a special game,
but you can't tell anybody.
ever, ever, ever, okay?
Now what I want you to do is put your hand down here
and pull very gently, okay?
Very gently.
That's good.
Jesus Christ, Adam!
Get help!
Adam, Uncle Barry's ping pongs are caught in the drain.
- Get Mummy. - No!
What do you mean "no"?
Never, ever, ever, ever.
You know the best part? The best part, Mum was out playing golf
and the dirty old fuck was stuck there for about seven hours.
And I thought they were small and wrinkled before they got in the water.
Hey, I got a joke. Who wants to hear a joke?
Come on Bernice. It's so funny, you'll laugh so hard
your lashes will curl all by themselves.
Do tell us your hilarious joke.
Well, once upon a time, many moons ago, there was
a famous bunch of Indians called the Fuckarwee Tribe.
And one day, the son of the great Indian chief says to his father,
"Dad, why is my friend Little Hawk called 'Little Hawk'?"
And his father says...
"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
That's not the end of the joke. So anyway,
Back to me.
- Jesus! - What's happening?
Umm, I don't know.
Oh my God...
Oh, Felicia... Where the Fuckarwee?
Shit, shit, shit!
Well, I've had a look around and I think we can safely assume
that I now know less about motors than I did when I first lifted
that... bonnety thing.
Now what?
Let's just not think about it for the moment
and eat brekky, shall we?
Oh, that's a novel idea.
Let's stuff ourselves to death.
Imagine the headlines...
"Whales beach themselves in the outback."
- "Mystery Broomsticks Dead in Drag..." - There's no point in walking back.
The only life I saw for the last million miles were the hypnotised bunnies
- and most of them are now wedged in the tires. - Well, somebody'll drive past for sure.
We'll keep the fire burning.
Yes, and toast marshmallows and chill champagne for when they arrive.
What if they don't drive past?
Look, you're not helping here. Just eat your hormones.
- Hell. Why didn't we stick to the main road? - What difference does it make now?
You got us into this Antony Belrose,
And I suggest you start thinking about how to get us back
or I don't fancy your chances of ever trying to be a husband again.
Jesus, what are we gonna do?
We're gonna start off with a little facelift.
Nothing like a new frock to brighten up your day.
Purple?
It's not purple, it's lavender.
- What do you think? - It's nice...
in a hideous sort of a way.
Where are YOU going?
If you think I'm going to sit around watching Picasso
take on the public transport system,
you've got another thing coming.
I'll be back with the cavalry
in a couple of hours.
There goes a transsexual, last seen heading south.
- We called her Bernie but her real name was... - Adam!
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to get along
And so now you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
Help! Help!
- What's that Pa? - What?
Up there, ya nong. Looks like a woman.
Help!
Oh, thank God.
Thank you.
I can't tell you how grateful I am.
...face, I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have...
You fuckin' beauty!
Shit.
Bernie, I never thought I'd be so glad to see you.
I can't say the same.
I was just drawing up the will.
Come and meet our saviours.
Tony, Adam, this is Mr and Mrs. Spencer.
Hello.
No! Stop!
Oh shit.
Oh, for goodness' sakes look at yourself Mitz.
How many times do I have to tell you green is not your colour?
Do you think about Trumpet much?
No. Trumpet was just a nice kid who had a thing about transsexuals.
Lots of people do. Sort of bent status symbol, you know.
"Did you know my girlfriend used to be a boyfriend?" That sort of thing.
Always good for a supper invite.
Still, it was better than nothing.
Nothing, nothing for miles.
Can you hear the drums Fernando?
I've said it before and I'll say it again...
No more fucking Abba!
Okay, if we have the time, we may as well put it to good use.
Come on girls. Off ya snatches. Rehearsal time.
OK? Two bobs to start with, alright?.
Boring.
Ready?
No, I did this years ago.
You did it so beautifully and, Darling, you do so well.
Come on. Right, from the top.
One, two.
Go on now, go
walk out the door
Just turn around now
You're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Hello.
Nice night for it.
I think we just crashed a party.
No, come on. You'll be right.
Here, welcome to my office. Have a seat.
Bernice, I don't know what could have possibly possessed you to wear that to a corroboree.
Shut your face.
Bravo!
Fabulous!
Well girls, I guess it's our turn.
First I was afraid
I was petrified!
Kept thinkin' I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so now you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me
Go on now go
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I!
I will survive!
For as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive
Hey hey!
Hey, take a look at that.
I've got an idea...
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept tryin' hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights just feelin' sorry for myself
I used to cry but now I hold my head up high
And you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free
Well, now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's lovin' me
Go on now, go! Walk out the door!
So, you actually make money by dressing up like a woman?
Oh sure. You can make a fine living in a pair of heels.
Why, Alan? You wanna job?
Oh, if only THIS dress could talk.
You know, sometimes I wonder where I get my taste from.
Definitely not my mother. Oh well.
Serves me right for letting her buy me all these awful clothes.
What's this?
That, my darling, is my most treasured possession in the whole wide world.
But what is it?
Well, a few years ago, I went on a pilgrimage backstage
to an Abba concert, hoping to grab an audience
with Her Royal Highness, Agnetha.
Well, when I saw her ducking into the ladies loo, naturally I followed her in.
And after she'd finished her business I ducked into the cubicle
only to find she'd left me a little gift,
sitting in the toilet bowl.
What are you telling me?
This is an Abba turd?
I know what we can do with this...
- Are you right? - Hang on!
OK! Go!
There!
Afternoon,
what seems to be the problem?
What a nice dog. What's its name?
Herpes.
If she's good, she'll heal [heel].
Things get pretty quiet around here. We're a bit starved for entertainment.
Glad we could oblige. How does it look?
Well, your gas tank's chock-a-block full of crud.
Travelling on a rough road on a low tank
chucked it all up into the motor.
- Your fuel line's blocked and your injectors are stuffed. - So does that mean you can fix it?
In the short term.
What you blokes need is a new gas tank.
I don't suppose you have one lying around.
No. Sorry.
I could pick one up in Coober Pedy in about a week. When do you have to be in Alice?
Six days.
Well, we can clean it out and hope for the best.
It might make it. We won't know unless you give it a try.
Refreshments! Lemonade here I make.
That's very nice darling. Please, go back inside.
Lemonade here I make. Lemonade for guests.
No darling please.
I made chocolate crackle.
Thank you.
We put cream on?
No no, it's face cream. For face.
Bob, Cynthia, thank you.
- I love lamb with meringue. - Thank you for the company.
Like I said earlier, new faces are pretty hard to come by out here.
- If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing off the highway? - Ah, now that's a bloody good question.
Glad you bothered.
Don't get your type out here very often.
- Me like to sing too. Me like... - Yeah, pretty damn quiet.
Thought of opening a video business for a while, but I suppose we've got to wait to get television first.
Me perform for you. Me dance too.
My wife used to be in the entertainment business.
- Yeah. You perform here? - You're thinking of performing here?
I mean you've got to be here at least another night.
Ummm, the thought hadn't really crossed my mind.
Well why not? I could have a word to Wally in the pub.
Everybody'd love it.
Well I'm not sure our show'd go down too well out here.
If you don't mind me asking, what kind of cabaret do you do?
We dress up in women's clothes
and parade around mouthing the words to other people's songs.
You mean sort of like those... what do they call 'em? - 'Les Girls'?
Oh yeah, I've seen them. Way back in Sydney when I was a young bloke. Fantastic. Just terrific.
Bob, you are looking
at probably the most famous 'Les Girl' ever produced.
You're kidding me?
Give me a break! I was never that famous.
- I'm not joking. - What?
I wouldn't really have seen you. That must have been 30 years back.
- Oh you'd be surprised. - Me perform for you.
- Me sing. - No Cynthia. You no perform.
They perform not you.
Well, a real live 'Les Girls' show?
Right, this calls for a celebration.
- Maybe this isn't such a good idea. - Oh, shut ya twat.
Our frocks were the sensation of Broken Hill, remember?
There was a K-Mart in Broken Hill. At least they knew what a frock was.
Christ, you should see what this woman is wearing. It's not a frock. It's a piece of corrugated iron.
- Can I come in? - Only if you're single.
- Oh, you look incredible. - Where did we find this guy?
Oh, you just keep dishing out the compliments, Bob. Flattery will get you everywhere.
- Now where's that lovely wife of yours? - She's at home.
- She's not allowed in the pub any more. - Really? Why?
She's got a problem with alcohol.
Every time she gets in the pub she makes a complete fool of herself.
Oh, I know how she feels.
Well, we're all waiting. Are you ready?
Bob, we're having second thoughts.
You can't back out now. Every man and his dog's out there.
They're not chained up by any chance?
Oh, you blokes... sorry. You girls.
Look, you'll be fine. Take my word for it.
There's nothing more than I'd like to do
than take the floor and dance with you.
Keep dancing! Let's keep dancing...
Shake it, shake it!
Shake ya cool thing, shake ya cool thing, yeah yeah.
Show 'em how you do it, now show 'em how you do it now
Yeeeaaah!!
What the hell's going on?
She's not, is she?
Oh, you can't do that with a ping pong ball.
You wanna bet?
- I'm going! - Darling, don't go, there's nothing we can't work out.
- You no good man. - Don't be silly.
You want good wife, you be good husband.
Darling don't go.
I no like you anyway.
You got little dingaling.
Some days you just shouldn't get out of bed.
In my opinion, you should wait here until I get back from Coober Pedy with a new gas tank.
But then again, you listened to my last opinion.
Forget it, Bob. It's time we made a move.
I'm just a gifted amateur round here.
There's no way a nice frock and a catchy tune
can compete with three ping pong balls, two cigarettes and a pint of beer.
If we break down we break down. I'll play it safe and stick to the main drag.
Pardon the pun.
Well, goodbye Bob. Thanks for a very educational stay.
Yes I'd do anything to be able to open a bottle like that.
Bernadette, it's certainly been an honour meeting a member of 'Les Girls'.
And may I say it has been an honour to meet a gentleman.
Believe me Bob, these days gentleman are an endangered species.
Unlike bloody drag queens who just keep breeding like rabbits.
Sayonara
Bob? Fancy a free ride to Coober Pedy?
Now listen Bob. Let's get one thing straight.
We may wear the frocks around here, but that doesn't mean you wear the pants.
Right, where'll I sleep?
Oh, anywhere that takes your fancy.
The roof'll do me fine.
Thank you, Bob, I don't know what to say.
That's alright. I might as well get there a few days earlier.
A bit of R and R. God knows I need it.
May I ask you a personal question? I mean if you don't mind.
Sure.
Why? Why do you... You know...
You mean the $64.000 question?
That's the girl. Now, don't tear the wrapping paper.
Just slide the ribbon off and we can see what Santa’s brought you!
Here it comes now.
What is it?
It's a... it's a...
cement mixer.
Have you been changing the cards around again, Ralph?
So I guess I had no choice in the matter
Oh for fuck's sake! Watch where you're driving, you stupid bitch!
- What're you trying to do, fucking kill me or something? - My fault!
Sorry Bob. I thought it was Bernadette.
One, two, three. Two, two, three. Three, two, three.
Now you're getting it.
- Who taught you to waltz? - My wife.
Oh, how sweet. You and the Mrs down at Arthur Murray's
every Tuesday night practising your little hearts out.
- Makes me want to sick up. - Married?
Yes, married.
We have only recently discovered young Anthony here bats for both teams.
I do not.
- Ah, so we're straight. -No.
Oh, we're not! So we're a doughnut puncher after all.
-No. - Then what the Hell are we? - I don't fucking know.
What the fuck's that?
Good evening.
Nice night for it.
Oh, ok. Goodnight then.
What a rude woman.
And that's the power steering pump, and that's the radiator fan.
- How interesting. - Simple.
Hey! Who wants first bath?
I won!
Can I help you, Maam?
Okay, turn 'er over.
I don't care if the sun don't shine.
I get my lovin' in the evenin' time,
When I'm with my baby
It's no fun with the sun aroun',
But I get goin' when the sun goes down
And I meet
My baby
That's when we kiss and kiss and kiss
And then we kiss some more
Don't ask how many times we kiss
At a time like this, who keeps score?
So I don't care if the sun don't shine
I'll get my lovin' in the evenin' time,
When I'm with my baby.
That's it over there.
It's an okay room with a shower.
- Bags first! - Is hot water all you can ever think about?
No. A shower, a comfortable bed and a nice meal will do me fine.
If you think I'm going to crawl into the sack and watch television, you've got another thing coming.
Now you blokes watch your back. This is a pretty tough little town.
They get up in the morning, they go down a hole, they blow things up and then they come up again.
- That just about sums it up. - Oh fabulous.
You're welcome to hang out with us, Bob, if you've got nothing better to do.
Yeah, I'm meeting some of the boys at the old drive-in for a booze up, like the old days.
Wow, I want to go with Bob. I want to go to the boys' club.
You'll come and have supper with us, Adam Whitely, or you'll stay in your room by yourself and watch TV.
He's a good man, our Bob.
Yeah, not my type though.
Oh, don't come the raw prawn with me!
I can spot the fluttering of a beaded lash from 300 paces.
Oh, get out! He's far too old.
Mind you, so am I.
Did you catch that mail order bride?
Why did he marry her? I'm dying to ask...
Oops! Sorry.
Don't worry about it.
You're the world's best husband
and given the chance you'd probably be
a perfectly good father too.
Do you really think so?
Why? Are you thinking about children?
Yes, as a matter of fact.
Umm, do you have "The Texas Chainsaw Mascara"?
Ever wanted kids?
Sure, but I've learned not to think about it.
Do you think an old queen's capable of raising a child?
Well, Elizabeth did a pretty good job.
Prince Charles is a wonderful boy.
Edward's still a bit of a worry.
And what happens if they turn out like Adam?
You stuff them back in and ask for a refund.
Stupid little shit.
I dread to think what he's up to.
Hello,
I'm new in town.
No kidding.
Could I have a bloody Mary please.
It's a beer or nothing, sweetheart.
Well, I'd better have a beer then.
Cheers.
What are you all looking at?
I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to stare.
We don't usually get women down here.
Oh, so what do women do around here besides watching videos?
Well, well, well! Look who we have here...
You know that bloke do you?
No. So, who's going to show me the sights?
It would be my pleasure.
So how about it?
Well, I suppose a fuck's now out of the question...
Get her, Frank!
Come on boys. Who wants to see my map of Tasmania?
So I never got a chance to tell my parents what a wonderful childhood I'd had.
They never spoke to me again after I'd had... the chop.
I think I have something to tell you.
Oh shit!
Get after her!
Okay fellas, let's not forget how to treat a lady.
You fucking freak!
Hold him down.
- Spread his legs. - No, please!
Frank, Stop!
- What the fuck do you think you're doing? - You mean you do know this cocksucker?
Get off, him you mongrel!
He was joking, OK? Now you leave the little bugger alone!
Get out of there, Bob!
Cut it out, Frank.
Put the faggot down and get the fuck out of there, Bob, or you'll be next.
- Frank. - Get out of there!
Stop flexing your muscles, you big pile of budgie turd!
I'm sure your mates'd be much more impressed if you just go back to the pub...
and fuck a couple of pigs on the bar.
Bernadette, please.
Bernadette! Well I'll be darned! The whole circus is in town.
Well I suppose you want a fuck too, do ya? Come on Bernadette.
Come and fuck me. That's it.
Come on. Come and fuck me. Come on.
There, now you're fucked.
You stupid bloody idiot. Drugs for Christ's sake. Well, well, three cheers for you.
I hope you're bloody well happy now. Stupid fuckwit!
It's funny.
We all sit around mindlessly slagging off...
that vile stink-hole of a city.
But in some strange way it takes care of us.
I don't know if that ugly wall of suburbia has been put there to
stop them getting in or us getting out.
Come on.
Don't let it drag you down.
Let it toughen you up.
I can only fight because I've learnt to.
Being a man one day and a woman the next is not an easy thing to do.
- Sorry, I can't help you. - No worries, mate.
Well, are we bunny hopping all the way to Alice?
No good. He says the man to help is a fair way out of town.
- Like how fair? - A couple of hundred clicks fair.
No matter. I got nothing else to do today.
Let’s get out of here. Come on, Adam.
We are out of here.
Some things are said in the heat of the moment.
I'm sorry I got angry with you last night,
although I dare say, you deserved it.
Anyway, that's enough of that.
You know this is quite an experience, sitting here with you now.
I can quite safely say...
that I think your taste in clothing is absolutely terrible,
because you can't say a word, can you?
Oh, this is great fun.
We're going to have a problem finding this guy with a tank, aren't we?
- Why do you say that? - Well, because he's not out here.
Oh, he's out here. He's in Alice.
Well, I can't go back to Coober Pedy for a while.
Not the most popular bloke in the world back there anymore.
- Hello. -Hello!
- Who are you? - I your wife.
- Best I be going home then. - No, you not going. I coming too.
I your wife. See, I your wife.
Silly girl.
Should have done her homework better.
She thought I was from Sydney.
Why in God's name did you bring her home?
- She was me wife. - Couldn't you sell her off?
Oh, the party's over everyone. It talks.
You can't keep a good bitch down.
What time do you reckon we'll be in Alice Springs?
Late tomorrow arvo?
And how long do you think you'll be staying?
I don't know. A couple of days maybe.
Hey, a big day for you tomorrow, eh?. We all get to meet the Mrs.
I saw that smile Felicia. One word,...
one derogatory word and I'm taking you back to your mate...
in Coober Pedy.
Look, please everyone. Tomorrows going to be a little tough.
- Please don't make it any harder than it has to be. - We're only teasing.
We won't open our mouths until you give the word. Then it's open season.
Oh well, time for bed.
I gotta look good for the wife in the morning. Come along Adam.
Time for your beauty sleep. Come on.
Will you two be, umm, joining us?
Umm, I just thought I'd have one for the road. How about you, Bob?
Sounds good to me.
All right then. See you in the morning.
Goodnight.
-Another piece of cake, Bob? - Ah, no.
So, tell me about you.
Can't complain. Life's a lot simpler now.
Spent thirty years wandering around the world...
only to find that I was better off where I started.
Not much, but it's my turf.
Oh, shit!
Adam, Adam...
- What? - Guess who didn't come home last night?
I've waited all my life for this!
Bernice has left her cake out in the rain.
My fucking back's killing me!
I need a crap.
- Look, do you want me to go in? - No, I'll go.
Ah, excuse me, sir, you can't park your bus here.
Are you planning on staying at the hotel?
Ah sorry. Could you direct me to Marion Barber please?
- We're the Cabaret act from Sydney. - Oh right, right, yeah...
- ...well, just go in through to reception and they'll take you right through. - Thanks.
No worries. It's alright. Lenny, these are the drag queens.
Come on Bob. Let's go try on your new frock.
G'day.
Just over there by the back bar.
Thanks.
No, those three kegs didn't arrive.
I need them today. Not tomorrow, but today.
You're a doll. What an arsehole.
Aaaaaaah, my God, husband, husband!
- It's so good to see you. - Hiya wife.
- You're a day late; I was just gathering the search party. Where are the others? - Oh they're outside.
- You've lost weight, you rotten old queer. - Well, it's about fucking time.
I can finally get into that old one-piece of yours. You know, the one with the sun flowers.
- You still got that? What the hell do you do with it? - Oh, the "Poseidon Adventure" routine...
You know, Shelley Winters.
Where is he?
Benj, do you remember Tick?
Hello Tick.
Hello.
Where is the bloody bar?
Mr Belrose?
Yes?
Congratulations. It's a boy.
Shit!
- You OK? - What's the matter?
- Help! - Oh my God.
For Christ's sake, Mitzi, why didn't you tell us?
Why the hell did you have to shock me like that?
This lump on my head is getting bigger by the second.
I'm about to make my Northern Territory debut looking like
a fucking Warner Brothers cartoon character has hit me over the head with an iron.
- I think you look more like a Disney witch myself. - Oh shut your face, Felicia!
At least I don't look like somebody has tried to open a can of beans with my face.
I'm sorry girls, I couldn't stand the thought of you bagging me in the bus for two weeks.
- Anyway what difference does it make now? - About two inches to my head for one.
Did you get a good look at him? He's got my profile that's for sure.
- I think I'm going to be sick. - I hate to be practical here...
but does he know who you are? I mean, does he know what you do for a living?
Well, he knows he has a father in the show business/cosmetics industry.
- Oh Lord, I don't understand. - No, you DON'T understand...
- so stop trying to. It will be fine. - It had better be.
Hello! Oh, stop wearing out that mirror.
- You always knock before you enter? - Always! Why?
You haven't got anything to hide in there have you? Ah ha ha.
Alright girls, you're on in ten minutes.
Sweetheart, you've been on ever since you were born.
- The word's out, we've got a big crowd. - Like how big?
- A full house. - Where's Benj?
Safe and sound asleep in bed. Don't you worry about a thing.
Okay, my little powder puff?
- Can I come in? - Now THERE'S a gentleman.
Of course you can, Bob.
My aunt Minnie in here?
Don't mean to barge in. Just want to wish you luck.
- Thank you Bob. - Thanks
To make up for what happened last time.
Thank you. That's so thoughtful.
Alright girls. Let's get this show on the road.
You, out. That's a ten minute curtain call. Good luck.
That's quite a wife you've got there Mitz. What does she do in her spare time?
Sand back the hulls of oil tankers with her tongue?
She sure is something.
- Chookers girls! - Watch my jaw!
- Be careful with my head. - Aren't we fabulous?
Ladies and gentlemen...
Lasseter's Casino in Alice Springs presents...
Miss Mitzi Del Bra, Miss Felicia Jollygoodfellow
and Miss Bernadette Bassinger...
The 'Sisters of the Simpson Desert'...
Meeting Mr Right, the man of my dreams
The one who shows me true love (or at least it seems)
With brown cocoa skin and curly black hair
It's just the way he looks at me that gentle loving stare
Finally you come along
The way I feel about you it just can't be wrong
If you only knew the way I feel about you
I just can't describe it
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
My feelin's can't describe it
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
And I just cannot hide it
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
My feelin's can't describe it
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
And I just cannot hide it
It seemed so many times he seemed to be the one
But all he ever wanted was to have a little fun
But now you've come along and brightened up my world
In my heart I feel it, I'm that special kind of girl
Finally you come along
The way I feel about you it just can't be wrong
If you only knew the way I feel about you
I just can't describe it, oh no no
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
My feelin's can't describe it
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
And I just cannot hide it
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
My feelin's can't describe it
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
And I just cannot hide it
Finally... Oh, finally....yeah, yeah
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
My feelin's can't describe it.
Finally it has happened to me
Right in front of my face
And I just cannot hide it
Finally, oh yeah, yeah
Finally, oh yeah!
- Come on. Snap out of it. - Come on mate.
You'll be fine.
Come on love.
That's it mate.
You scared us all for a minute.
You just had to have that extra little bit of attention, didn't you? Nice one lovey, nice one.
Shit!
What are you doing, Marion? You liar. You told me he'd be in bed.
- Oh Shoosh. Drink your daiquiri! - I hate bloody daiquiri.
No you don't. You love bloody daiquiris.
Least now I know why drag queens drink from such big glasses.
- To make their hands look smaller. - Oh ha, ha, ha Marion.
What am I meant to say to the boy?
- I've never been so embarrassed. - I think you're over reacting.
- Really? - Yes. You're just being a drama queen.
You're going to have to drop all that shit if you're going to be a good father.
Don't pretend to be surprised. I've kept my end of the bargain. Now it's your turn...
- Not forever. Maybe just for a couple of months. - Why now?
Because I haven't had a holiday in eight years.
I need a rest, Tick. I need some space.
- Reminds me of something I said not so long ago. - Well I do.
And besides, it's time he knew who his father was anyway.
That's the problem. I mean, I don't know what to tell him.
What do you assume I do? Lie?
Assumption, my dear Mitz, is the mother of all fuck ups.
- Don't bitch to me. Bitch to him. - Thanks for the free advice.
Who is it?
It's me, Bob.
Your flowers were being mangled.
I thought I'd rescue them for you.
Good idea. Thanks.
What's the matter?
Nothing.
- Do you know what your father does for a living? - Yeah.
So I suppose you know he doesn't really like girls then.
- Does he have a boyfriend at the moment? - No.
Neither does Mum.
She used to have a girlfriend but she got over her.
Do you want to come and play in my room? I've got Lego.
Sure.
Come on, Butch. Get a move on! We can't brand the cattle all by ourselves.
Great show last night. Do you always end a number like that?
Always.
- How would you like to pick her up every night, Sundance? - Be a pleasure.
I think that might include taking the lady home every evening and tucking her into bed, Jeff.
What's the pay like, Marion?
Ooh, that one's going to get himself into trouble one day,
and if you play your cards right, you might just be the lucky fellow.
Come on, all aboard.
Just watch it with the innuendos, Marion.
At least give me a clear shot at this.
You call dressing up like a Xanadu production number a clear shot?
Come on Tick. Who's kidding who around here?
He sure as shit isn't.
- What are you doing? - Swimming.
Murray.
Rock.
Murray Rock.
Oh, Rock Hudson.
Oh, silly!
My turn!
Okay, smarty pants, You give it a go.
Come on then.
It's... a sexy woman. Famous woman.
- Baby. - Rocking.
I know this one.
- Race horse. - Cat. Scary cat.
Scary moose.
- Scary dog. - I know, I know.
Lindy Chamberlain.
That was appalling Benji. Who taught you that?
- Mum did. - Lies! All lies.
Sure.
Come on, Adam. Up
Time is against us...
and WE have things to do.
- Come on you butch thing, you. - Oh no, come on.
- All for one. - Come on Tick.
No.
Come on, Adam. Let's get frocked.
So, what’s it like...
to finally have a father?
It's okay.
Sorry about last night.
I don't always dress up in women's cloths.
I mean, don't get the wrong idea...
I do lots of different stuff... You know, like Elvis...
and Garry Glitter and...
Abba?
I'm not supposed to know about the Abba show...
but I'd really like to see it.
Would you do Abba for me?
Sure.
You know what I am, don't you?
Mum says you're the best in the business.
Well, your mother was always prone to exaggeration.
Will you have a boyfriend when we get back to Sydney?
Maybe.
That's good.
- Come on! - Where are we going?
We're going to unleash the best in the business.
I had a dream.
Well, we did it.
It never ends, does it?
All that space.
So what now?
I think I wanna go home.
Me too.
Well then. Let's finish the shows and go home.
Don't go without leaving me your number, Sunshine!
Already taken care of Jeff. It's at the far end of the men's cubicle.
"For a good time, phone Felicia."
- Hey, can we stop at McDonald's on the way back? - Now that's a good idea.
- I've had just about enough of this shitty food. - I don't know. Where the hell do you start?
Lay it on the line husband. Don't conceal a thing. That's the key.
And if he doesn't like it, stiff bikkies. He can always buy his own ticket back.
And what happens when word gets out that Mitzi's got a minor?
That's your problem, not his. He knows when and where to listen.
Morals are a choice and he'll decide his own when he's good and bloody well ready.
Well, that's it. You're all packed.
You've got to be joking. We haven't got Bernadette's shoes upon board yet.
Hate to say this; I wish I was going with you.
Your gas tank'll be fine. Your axle may be another matter.
I'm sure the road home will just be filled with bored mechanics
waiting for a bus full of drag queens to spirit them away to a better life.
Oh I wish. We're not even going to spirit gum at this rate.
- Where the hell is Bernadette? - Here.
Come on Cabanossi tits. Where are your bags?
In my room.
I'm not going. I've decided to stay here for a while.
Oh really.
And you're choosing to tell us about this now?
Well she told me a few weeks back.
Just when I was looking for somebody to handle the guest entertainment while I'm away.
Oh, I get it.
Who's been playing hide the sausage then?
Oh well, that's it. Let's get out of here before I throw up.
Come on Benj. Hope you can drive.
Not without a hug. Wooow.
You sure?
No, I'm not sure.
But I'll never know unless I give it a shot.
I'm as jealous as all hell.
Shit.
Raccoon time again.
Bye.
- Don't forget to write. - Wish I was staying!
- Bye. - Bye mom! Bye Ralph!
Yeah, see you Ralph!
I've been cheated by you since I don't know when
So I made up my mind, it must come to an end
Look at me now, will I ever learn?
I don't know how but I suddenly lose control
There's a fire within my soul
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything, woho oho,
Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you
Yes, I've been broken-hearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know,
My my, I could never let you go.
I've been angry and sad about things that you do
I can't count all the times that I've told you we're through
And when you go, when you slam the door
I think you know that you won't be away too long
You know that I'm not that strong.
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything, woho oho,
Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again?
My my, just how much I've missed you
Yes, I've been broken-hearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mamma mia, now I really know,
My my, I could never let you go.
No, that's enough. Oh, my tits are falling down.
Jesus!
Thank you, thank you! It's good to be home.
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it's all a big surprise
Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped
or how I planned
But somehow it's enough
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
I wondered how you'd make it through
I wondered what was wrong with you
Cause how could you give your love
to someone else
And share your dreams with me
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
But now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes round the moon
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
You went and saved the best for last
Yeah.